@imhhk

I hate “two-faced” people.

It’s so hard to decide which face to slap first.

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@MelvinofYork

Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.

@Jandalize

Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.

@simoncholland

Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.

@thatdutchperson

[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?

@AnExocticBeach

I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes

Legos on the floor by her side of the bed

@LouGarza86

Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.