Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
I hate “two-faced” people.
It’s so hard to decide which face to slap first.
You Might Also Like
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
I need to get some bricks…
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?
Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
You take the oxy out of oxymoron