Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
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I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.