@Home_Halfway

I hate w.hen my period comes early

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@AmishPornStar1

Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!

Me: Sounds great, Dear.

@noog

Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.

@TheAlexNevil

James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?

Therapist: That is how these things usually work.

@scarfdud

my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it

@TheAndrewNadeau

time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain

@jonnysun

[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ??????