Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
I hate w.hen my period comes early
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I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Them: If you ask me…
Me: I didn’t.
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ??????