Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
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[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.