Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity

[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.

when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.

Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up

1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.

Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.

Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake

Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back

English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?

I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.

*spins in circles*

*dies*

*gets stuck in corner*

*dies*

*spins in circle*

*dies*

[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]

I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.

*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*

waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*

what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?

We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.

We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!

We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.

I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.

I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!

Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle

Co-worker: It’s my daughter

Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?

buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life

ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David

I am an influencer.

If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.

Do better.

He looks like he’s got a lot to say

dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings

Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse

Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.

I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.

Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”

I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.