I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
You Might Also Like
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?