i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
You Might Also Like
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
me 2 months after i graduated
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.