i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
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Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
#Caturday
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
this is how life feels
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Optional boss fight.
my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.