i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
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I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file
US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
I saw nothing
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every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing