Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?

Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?

Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance

[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}

Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.

imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner

I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share

James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?

Therapist: That is how these things usually work.

Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress

I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.

Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.

Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub

I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.

Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp

Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?

Me: I wanna travel somewhere

My bank account: To the other room? or?

Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.

When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute

girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards

I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge

We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.

What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?

” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.

Said no one ever.

BRITISH PERSON: cheerio

AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.

Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned

I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.

Who called them bad decisions and not instinks?

Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk

Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps

After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.