I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
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I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*