I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
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“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Just so funny
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.