I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
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Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
I’m too lazy to be a superhero. If I had laser eyes I’d probably just use them to heat soup or something
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..