I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
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When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
bias laundering edition
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Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.