Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.

*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?

I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.

So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot

I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise

My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.

Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce

I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns

Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit

If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.

Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.

Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”

If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.

Ok, but like, how married are you?

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*

*grabs whip*

*flicks whip*

*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*

Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer

My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!

Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.

Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.

Salesman: This model corners really well

Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*

Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works

Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.

Me: Throws holy water in her face.

*Neighbor melts

Me: Not today Satan.

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”

Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.

me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably

My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.

Me: But she’s the right kid?

Wife: Yes. But…

Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.