Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.

Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.

When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”

North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

Very good! 👍😂

The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.

Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight

Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-

Date: aww

Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*

The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.

– birds

I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.

Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running

Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.

I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”

“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”

I drew y’all a little something.

If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed

Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.

ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife

ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet

sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die

me: 27

sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…

me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?

“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time

medium: so you want to contact your wife

me: I can still hear her voice

wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin

me: it’s like she’s watching me

wife: [through window] I forgot my keys

I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.

satan: i am lord of the underworld.

me: Antarctica?

satan: no it’s much hotter.

me: (nods) Australia.

I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.

the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)

You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?