I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
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Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.