I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
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[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
never deleting this app.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
9 circles of hell in this economy?
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
happy mother’s day❤️
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree