Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.

Me: How much do I owe?

Gov’t: You have to figure that out.

Me: I just pay what I want?

Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.

Me: What if I get it wrong?

Gov’t: You go to prison

I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.

Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.

I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.

1. My wife’s name

2. How to make a shank from a phone charger

3. I need Twitter

As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?

Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.

What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice

I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car

[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?

WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?

ME: I don’t think so

WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?

ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!

I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago

I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos

You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.

I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff

My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.

Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?

You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal

Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table

Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.

HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.

-I say as I climb through your window

I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.

I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.

[harry potter at an interview]

interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes

harry: that’s correct, sir

interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow

A few hardest things to say:

“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”

“Worcestershire Sauce”

what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet

Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.

I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.

-Herpes