I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
