I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
