I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
You might just have to resign…
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
this chia pet tastes awful
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
