[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
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“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.