I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
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So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
when you order from DoorDastardly
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray