Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]

wife: what’s he doing

me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family

her: what is it

me: i… just… told you?

Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.

Husband: How short?

Me:

Husband: HOW SHORT?!

there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord

My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK

[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

[a duel]

Him: Choose your weapons.

Me: Um…banjos.

Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.

Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?

[slowly removing special glasses]

Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing

Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here

me: awhinersayswhat?

daughter: what?

*my wife and I high five*

To me, being Single means never having to apologize..

Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced

Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”

Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?

Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.

Well, not on my watch.

I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way

[Day at the beach]

*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *

6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home

I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.

… And while you’re down there…

I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.

Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.

Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context

Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.

I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.

I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.

assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%

shrink ray company CEO: excellent

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.

Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?

Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing

Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*

Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?

9: You

Me: What about me?

9: You won’t think its as funny as we do