I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
![]()
You Might Also Like
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Sing it!
![]()
Is your wife single?
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining