I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
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Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.