Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁

INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:

Happy April Fools!!!

VS.

Happy April, Fools!!!

You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.

I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.

[Being chased by killer]

Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*

Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.

HR: Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?

HR:

Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?

HR:

Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?

HR:

Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.

You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.

Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.

Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.

7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content

-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter

replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty

my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera

*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No

i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years

Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old

My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.

🪶

There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.

Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts

Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren

A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”

Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!

Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille

TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived

GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please

My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner

me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.

doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet

Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week