@aLunchBox

I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.

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@badbanana

“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.

@mommajessiec

*sees locks of hair on floor*

*looks at daughter*

*looks at American Girl doll*

“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”

@RandySmithWhat

Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?

CIA: They’re*

@weismanjake

Think of how horrible Ray Rice and the NFL had to act in order to make TMZ seem like brave investigative reporters

@patnspankme

People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?

@skickwriter

I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.

@pleatedjeans

At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration