I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
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Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.