Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.

The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.

🤬فقط في مصر 🤬

The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.

[APARTMENT KITCHEN]

GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent

[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]

RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die

RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes

imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog

The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.

A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-

running back in the house for
something you forgot.

House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial

boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means

me: it must be Wednesday

I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.

One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?

me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.

cookie:

My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”

hi why am I like this

We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.

Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.

I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.

I Can’t Tonight…

I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do

told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”

You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check

[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!

Just grow your own

Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*

[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.

-poor

How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom

Him: SHE SAID YES!!

Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.

[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]

me: when is the Jerk King off?

chef: what

eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house