Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bakery worker: Can I get you something?

Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.

Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this

WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?

ME: I don’t think so

WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?

ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!

Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots

…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.

Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.

Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.

Dog: Sure, go with that.

People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.

Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?

Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”

Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us

Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.

One hour later she was dead.

So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.

If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.

What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with

[arrest]

ME: you’ve got the wrong g-

COP: tell it to the judge

[court]

ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape

ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!

CLERK:

ME: Store credit, then?

Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…

Me: That IS self control

Dietician: how?

Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut

I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.

I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl

kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back

me: *hugging his dog* no

Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.

Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense

me: why does my back hurt

also me:

[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it

Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.

[courtroom]

me: good morning, Judge McDonald

Judge: you will address the court properly

Me:

Judge: or be found in contempt

Me: Good morning, Your Ronald

Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.

Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*

I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight