I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
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Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:
“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”
me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”
there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
if my sleeping schedule was a person
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂