i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
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If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Lmao
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Vampire: How did you find me?!
Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back
Vampire: So it was a stakeout
Me: lmao
Vampire: lmaoooo
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.