Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants

Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.

Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!

Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.

Permission to use your hammer, your honor

It’s a gavel

Permission to use your gavel

Denied

*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*

“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”

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Interviewer: [extends arm] hello

Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello

[Job interview]

“How would you describe yourself?”

“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”

“Anything else?”

“Over-literal sometimes.”

[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent

Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.

My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.

We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.

Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet

Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest

My love language is deader than Latin

Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.

A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza

Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?

~me losing the war against gnats

Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked

Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.

white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone

Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar

co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons

bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird

Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says

Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are

[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)

Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?

There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan

Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.

hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
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