i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
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ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.