Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked

“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”

employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad

My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.

Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.

I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win

15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!

4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please

my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.

Somebody had to say it.

The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.

I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.

Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.

Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back

Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.

Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.

Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒

If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store

I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.

Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.

I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money

Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?

Me: I don’t like your tone.

If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.

I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.

On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.

Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!

[loud knocking]

“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”

Me: Prove it.

“HOW?”

Me: Sing “Roxanne.”

*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.