Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New trend:

“Haunting”

It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.

Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia

When is it appropriate to double text someone?

I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding

My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?

Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.

Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back

Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]

*at Wal-Mart*

Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle

Me: It’s not us this time

*we fist bump*

Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?

Genie: you get three wishes

Dog: I wish I was inside

Genie: two wishes

Dog: I wish I was outside

Genie: one wish

Dog:

Genie:

Dog: I wish I was inside

I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.

Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.

Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.

All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.

News: There are aliens in Miami

Internet: meh

News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?

Internet: *yawns*

News: Jews in a tunnel?

Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention

Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.

*yells from the back of an ambulance*

“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”

When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.

A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.

Nerys is a dachshund.

neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*

Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this

I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.

Surgeon: scalpel.

[patient hands him scalpel]

Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.

BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*

AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*

Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.

getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”

Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.

I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington