Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….

It means we used to be.

If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me

My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.

I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.

[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct

I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.

Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”

i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]

“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”

I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.

The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.

If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.

1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed

1 AM: I should reorganize the garage

Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think

they really wanted me dead for this

Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.

Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.

My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.

Friend: I can’t sleep.

Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?

Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?

All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter

I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.

Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.

Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain

Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.

If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.

“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”

Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.

crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged

its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It