I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
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Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.
Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*
Me: Dammit.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.