Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.

Me: I need to sleep

Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss

emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in

a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard

Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:

1. Work

I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.

My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.

Her: I want you to leave me breathless

Me: *hides her inhaler

Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.

Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?

Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week

The people have spoken – if the 20th Anniversary Edition of Back to Bedlam is Number 1 next Friday, my new name will legally be…

There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.

when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”

[neighbourhood watch meeting]

john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.

suzy: omg who could it be?

lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.

Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this

Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine

when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans

I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.

Compromise.

I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find

when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog

Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!

Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!

hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?

Dear hiring manager,

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration

I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.