i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
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Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Natty or not?
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Haha! 😂
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Pretty certain I can more drunk
ME (calling my horse with no name):
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.