i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
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Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Not😆🤣
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.