Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.

nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety

me: no need i already have it

me: wow you must be pretty hoarse

dracula: why would I be hoarse

me: from all that coffin lmao

2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black

2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos

[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebula

ENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?

I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral

Co-worker: How are you today?

Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*

I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.

My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.

[1st day as a dr]

macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band

nurse: ahh we dont have those

macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery

nurse: umm how about a scalpel?

macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work

*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”

2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol

CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.

Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?

I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.

“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.

When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.

Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.

85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon

Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.

The pointless tidy up before a play date.

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat dude.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”

[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan

I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s

[shopping]

My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!

Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?