i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
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Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.