I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
You Might Also Like
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:
“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs