Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*

Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies

A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.

Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*

Him: oh yeah

[my place]

Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!

My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.

I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.

Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣

I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.

My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?

Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.

I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot

I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.

[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs

Made my day..

I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs

Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today

when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase

Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.

Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going

I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon

We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.

Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??

[blind date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a customer service representative.

Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.

barber: your hair is so dry

pavlov: i forgot to condition it

At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.

(wins at death)

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.

Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff

experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal