Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog

Him: have you had dinner yet?

Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.

Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop

My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.

The only real importance in life is getting ahead.

Head. I meant to say head.

Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?

Leave this on his windshield.

Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.

May take them away tomorrow too.

4- I make a lot of noises when I poop

Me- that’s okay buddy we all do

4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night

Proctology is located in A55

DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news

SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time

honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good

Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.

[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot

To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.

Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails

99 bottles of beer on the wall?

Challenge accepted

In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

Friend: *finger guns*

Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no

I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.

No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.

My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth

when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral

[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on

I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.

I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.

When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.

Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.