I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
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I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
6: are snakes just neck?
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!