A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
I hate when I call someone Queen of the Mole-People & they act like they only heard the Mole-People part.
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Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
I hate when my phone corrects “hood morning” to good morning. Maybe I meant hood morning. Maybe some thug shit has happened today.
Taylor Swift just waved at a boy and he didn’t wave back so now she’s got a new album coming out tomorrow.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Before you unleash her inner goddess, try to find out if she’s channeling Aphrodite or Medusa.
I learned 2 things at least when I was married
1. Always passcode lock your phone
2. Don’t use a nude pic of your gf as the lock screen
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts