@ozzyunc

I hate when I call someone Queen of the Mole-People & they act like they only heard the Mole-People part.

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@TravLeBlanc

A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.

@adult_keverage

Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.

@FatherWithTwins

Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.

Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”

@RoosterMustache

I hate when my phone corrects “hood morning” to good morning. Maybe I meant hood morning. Maybe some thug shit has happened today.

@catlikethiefx0

Taylor Swift just waved at a boy and he didn’t wave back so now she’s got a new album coming out tomorrow.

@david8hughes

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

@LinajkReturns

Before you unleash her inner goddess, try to find out if she’s channeling Aphrodite or Medusa.

@SukaBlunt

I learned 2 things at least when I was married

1. Always passcode lock your phone
2. Don’t use a nude pic of your gf as the lock screen

@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!

Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.

*fuzz moves*

Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!

@BoomBoomBetty

You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities

Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts