SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
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Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Admin smashed it 😂
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.