I hate when I call someone Queen of the Mole-People & they act like they only heard the Mole-People part.

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A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.


Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.


I love you so much. I would do anything for you.

Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?


I hate when my phone corrects “hood morning” to good morning. Maybe I meant hood morning. Maybe some thug shit has happened today.


Taylor Swift just waved at a boy and he didn’t wave back so now she’s got a new album coming out tomorrow.


[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock


Before you unleash her inner goddess, try to find out if she’s channeling Aphrodite or Medusa.


I learned 2 things at least when I was married

1. Always passcode lock your phone
2. Don’t use a nude pic of your gf as the lock screen


3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!

Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.

*fuzz moves*



You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities

Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts