Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?

[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover

ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.

GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.

no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭

Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people

I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”

You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?

*slowly scrapes mine off*

the three branches of government

My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:

12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow

Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks

Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.

If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.

we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much

In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be

As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.

Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper

Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers

My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003

One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt

Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.

Admin smashed it 😂

I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.

[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back

If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer

*Victorian letters to Santa*

My dearest Santa,

I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.

*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*

I would like an orange.

Dear young cashier,

$100.89 is not pronounced $189.

Signed, a lady you scared