Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, we share it, right?

Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.

I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.

A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see

If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.

Me: Age is just a number

My body: And today you’re 85 lol

I use my imagination to solve problems.

And by imagination, I mean booze.

Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*

Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?

People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.

I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?

Whore it is.

On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”

I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.

37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.

Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?

[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?

What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?

My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.

When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.

I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.

Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.

Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job

My Dog:

Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.

A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.

[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out