I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
You Might Also Like
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Ron is short for Aaronald
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
me irl
