“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
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I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Personal question. #JustSaying
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery