“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
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“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
We have a winner.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Milk Cube
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave