“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
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Every single bad day happened because I woke up
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Danger is very dangerous
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird