When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
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Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
this will hang in the louvre one day
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
They did not think through this water fountain
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.