I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
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Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Candles never taste the way they smell
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
same energy