Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?

You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?

I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting

Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore

Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.

Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites

I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.

My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.

[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender

Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?

I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late

Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom

Introducing ManBat

A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)

The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.

A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.

[alternate universe]

Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence

Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.

Me: Man I love the eighties

Grandparents: We have names

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta

I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild

Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.

dream jobs:

• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village

“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders

The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.