I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
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If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Ron is short for Aaronald
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.