I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
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MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
The cashier just checked me out.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.