I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
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11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Butt weight. There’s more!