Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.

Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?

Me: I need to find my people

Him: You have a family, we are your people

Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like

DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN

ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues

DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun

The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise

My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.

My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.

People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.

Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.

I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician

Him: You’re sexy as hell.

Her: I’m an atheist.

Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.

Her: Awwwww, thank you.

popsicle not seeing heaven 😭

Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies

Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough

Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.

Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal

“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped

Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.

Guess who has a new ringtone.

9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?

Me: Sure.

9: Can I spend two nights?

Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.

5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.

2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.

Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?

what’s really going on

sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress

I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off

And that’s when I realized it was a cop car

Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.

Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.

@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you

6 month checkup…

Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.

Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”

I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”