Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.

Shift.

I meant SHIFT!

Oh god.

this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin

Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.

I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table

When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.

First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay

Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’

Happy thanksgiving!

Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman

We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.

You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?

I’m like that, but with salad.

Meow

some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.

Yes 😂

Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.

I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.

*crunch*
too salty

*crunch*
this one is broken

*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry

*crunch*
not salty enough

*crunch*
broken again

I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.

HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted

HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?

HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?

Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”

We need to move

Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.

i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit

I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

😭😭

Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!

Me: I want Botox.

Husband: What for? Your forehead?

Me:

H:

Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?

“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”

I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.