I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
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ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?