I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
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I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”