I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
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The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Has science gone too far?
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.