I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
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I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Just grow your own
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
does anyone know a car vet, my neighbor’s antler fell off
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually