I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
You Might Also Like
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Put this video in the Louvre
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*